Wednesday, May 2, 2012

OK is Almost Always a Lie

I was just about to go to bed after a particularly rough day.  Nothing terrible happened but it was the type of day when everything was a struggle from breakfast to bedtime.  I heard myself talking to Abby and to me I sounded like a monster.  She wasn't listening but she wasn't being terrible.  Her actions did not warrant my tone.  Some days, I feel out of control but I am able to give the allusion of control.  There are some days that I lose it.

And feel guilty beyond measure.  I apologized to her and hugged her and promised to have a better day tomorrow.  But why did I let myself get so explosive?

Maybe it's PMS, lack of sleep, or just stress.

Or maybe it's the fact that I sometimes allow myself to be a doormat.  There are so many times that I say, 'It's fine' or 'No problem' or 'OK'.  The reality is that it is not fine, it is a problem and it is not OK.  I tend to allow people to take advantage to a point where a explode and then everyone around me is confused by my reaction.

I HATE confrontation and very rarely feel better afterwards.  So, I lie.  On a daily basis.  I lie to myself and to those around me.

For example, I had my yearly Dr. appointment the other day.  You ladies know how that goes.  Well, these appointments are always stressful for me because my Mom's breast cancer was found by her Dr.  My appointment was scheduled since November.  Discussed and written on the calendar.  Dan was scheduled off and figured if he got a slip for court then he would just call out.

Except he didn't find out he had court until the day before my appointment (ah, the joys of being a police wife) and they have been cracking down on officers for calling out of court (another joy, days off are not necessarily days off).  My response:  It's ok, we'll manage.

WE'LL MANAGE?  How in the world did I think I would manage handling a fussy baby and curious toddler while spread eagle on a table?  Sounds like a freakin' nightmare!

Thankfully, he showed up at the office before the Dr. came into the room.  Unfortunately, it was after I pretty much traumatized Abby by explaining, in as simple terms as possible, what the stirrups were for (what was I supposed to do, wait until the Dr. was doing his thing to explain?).

My point is, my lie, 'It's OK, we'll manage', caused tons of problems.  I was resentful all morning.  I was passive aggressive (don't tell Dan I admitted that) which led to a huge blow up fight.  I should have been honest and upfront.  It may not have changed anything but it would have gotten the frustration out of me.

That frustration is what came out today when I heard myself sound like a monster.  All the pent up frustrations are being taken out on the most innocent.  That's not fair and that's not how I want to be.  EVER.

So, I need to stop lying on daily basis.  This is my home.  This is my life.  I need to speak up for what I think is right and quit saying, 'It's OK'.

Because, it just isn't.

*Linking up with Mama Kat and answering the prompt:  List of lies you consistently tell.


  1. I know how you feel! I would have to your right too, the oct common lie I tell is that I am fine while the world crumbles around me!

  2. That particular lie is one of the most difficult for others to get around...when you stop telling it! They think you have suddenly become someone different, and they can't understand. Just be sure you tell them the whole truth first, so they don't think you have morphed into something from another planet! And TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Who will take care of them if you are out of commission?

  3. I do this too often. I feel like I could have written this exact post. I think it's so important to be upfront and honest, especially with your spouse. It will help diffuse a lot of issues that arise. However, in practice it's one of the hardest things to do. In the moment it feels like it will be better to just say "It's fine" but in the long run, that's worse. Good luck with cutting down on the "lies", i'm going to be working on the same thing!

  4. I hate confrontation, which is why "It's OK" is so EASY to say....but you're right, I think we all need to be a little more honest!

  5. In this world today where stress is always there and the hustle and bustle keeps us going we can become so tired, but we feel the need to go on and feel pressure to say we are OK and fine. Being a mommy means a lot of doing for others all the time. We place our children first and family and home first. This can take a lot of energy out of us. I hope you find some rest time and do something for you. Have a great day!

    Mama Hen

  6. I am a big "this child is being horrible but I'm not going to let it get to me" okay person around. Then there is always that last straw that causes me to lose it. I completely get it.

  7. ugh - i hear ya. I never want to ask for help and rarely accept it when people offer but I'm trying because sometimes you just need help. Hope your hanging in there.



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