** First, I want to wish all the Mama's a VERY HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! I hope this post doesn't come off as too depressing!**
Bitter because I miss my Mom more than words can say. Seeing all the Mother's Day quotes, poems, and cards feels like a reminder that she's not here. We made a card for Dan's Mom and all I kept thinking was how much my Mom would have gotten a kick out of Abby's artwork. I think it will always feel like we're missing someone.
I didn't realize just how hard this day would be for me until I found myself making awkward jokes. For example, when I saw this on Pinterest:
I said, "Well then I guess our home is Heaven."
Or when my sister was complaining about working on Mother's Day. She's a waitress and all I could picture was her waiting on families and someone asking her what she was doing with her Mom for the day. How do you politely say, 'She's dead.'
Or, when I told Dan that all I wanted for Mother's Day was a trip to visit my Mom's grave. Once we booked the room he asked me if I was excited to see my Mom. Not the best choice of words but I know he meant well. However, all I could think was 'ya, real effin excited.'
I know, kind of bitter of me. Honestly, I'm not bitter and feel like I have come to terms with her being gone. Except for certain times. Like Mother's Day, her birthday (which is also New Years Eve), the anniversary of her death, the birth (and birthdays) of my girls, the holidays. On those days, I feel a little bit of the bitterness and if I don't keep it in check it will take me over.
I keep it in check by remembering that my two little beans are the reason that I am celebrating on Mother's Day. They gave my life a new direction. I have two very special reasons to have a mostly sweet Mother's Day.
So, I'll visit her grave and have my moments when I can cry and miss her. I'll probably reminisce about her a little throughout the day. But I will also spend some long overdue time with family and give my girls hugs and kisses.
Because at the end of the day, life goes on and those we lost will always be with us. Just not in the way we want them to be.