The Hard Questions

Abby is in the stage where she questions EVERYTHING.  I can not count how many times she says 'Why?' or 'Why Not?' in a day.

But she's also starting to ask questions about other stuff too, especially family.  She's fascinated by the fact that I'm her 'mom' but I'm also someone's 'sister'.  At first, it just confused her but she's starting to piece it together.  It's the cutest thing to see her eyes light up when she gets it!

I can literally see the gears turning in her brain as she works through all of this complicated stuff.  Here's where the conversation gets difficult though.

Abby:  "Who's your Dada?"
Me:  "Your Nonno is my daddy."
Abby:  "Who's your Mama?"
Me:  "My Mama is your Babushka."

That's where the conversation stops, usually.  I can see the look on her face.  The look of not quite getting it and the look of her wanting to ask another question but not sure what that question should even be.

I know it's on her mind because one day after we went out to eat, she asked me if I go out to eat with my Mama too.  My answer was simply, I used to... all the time.

We talk about my Mom here and there with Abby.  She knows my Mom made (and I use that term very loosely) her Blanky.  There's a picture in her room of my Mom holding her.  But, I have to admit, I sometimes keep the conversation short because I know what that next question is and I'm afraid.

I'm afraid to chip away at her naive innocence.  I don't want her to know that there is an end because to her there are only beginnings.  How could a child understand what I, after 3 years, can not type without tears in my eyes.

I know the question is there, on the tip of her tongue.  I know the day will come and I will handle it as well as I can.  I know that the right words for a 2 (almost 3) year old to understand will come to me.

But, as I sit here with Lilly as she lays here content with droopy eyes and milk dribbling out of the corner of her mouth, I wonder what I will tell her.  There will be no pictures, no Blanky, no stories of how much my Mom loved her.  The realization that I have officially stepped into a part of my life that my Mom would never be apart of, is painful.

It brings back memories of when my Mom was her sickest, and she looked at me and cried, "I'm going to miss so much!"  My response to her that day, as I tried to be strong and hold it together, was to tell her that she was going to have the best seat in the house!  I believe that still, and I feel her presence, but it would be nice to hug her or hear her voice.

I know the words will come the day that Lilly asks the question too.  I just really wish the question didn't have to be asked.

It's Hard to Believe 2 Years Have Gone By

Here we are at the 2 year mark.  Two years since my Mom has been here.  It's hard to believe.  There are so many times I still want to call her.  Sometimes whether I told her something or whether she was somewhere is fuzzy... I can picture her talking to me about something but then realize it would be impossible.  She was just always there, always available to chat so sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.

It's crazy to think of all the things that she wasn't here for.  The little things. Abby's first words and steps.  The funny things she does.  The gossip from family get togethers.  Then there's the big things.  A new baby.  A new home.  Family tensions.

She's been missed, by so many.  The longer she's gone, the more I learn, the more I admire her.  The pain is still just as raw but it surfaces a little less now.  I'm sure it will always be there.  I try not to focus on the sadness because I know I need to move forward.

I read this the other day in Mitch Albom's book "Have a Little Faith" and I thought I would share.  It follows a story as told by Rabbi Albert Lewis during one of his sermons.

"My friends, if we tend to the things that are important in life, if we are right with those we love and behave in line with our faith, our lives will not be cursed with the aching throb of unfulfilled business.  Our words will always be sincere, our embraces will be tight.  We will never wallow in the agony of 'I could have, I should have.' We can sleep in a storm.  And when it's time, our good byes will be complete."

There is no greater lesson we can learn and losing my Mom so young has taught me this lesson well.  Do what's right, treat people right and keep your regrets to a minimum.  Make sure the ones you love know it and try hard to bite your tongue when you're angry.  When I think back to how I treated my Mom, I think I was pretty good to her.  However, there are some things that I wish I wouldn't have said or done.  I was young, stressed, tired.... so many excuses.  But those moments are ones I can't get back.  I try to remind myself daily to not make the same mistake but it's sometimes hard.  All a person can do is try.

Mom, I miss you every day and I am forever grateful that our last words to one another were "I love you."  

3 Day... Here I Come!

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful comments the other day.  I'm feeling better and working on forgiveness.  I've decided that it's not for me to judge, especially since I'm not sure who it was. Thanks for all the advice and understanding!

On a positive note.....

I finally reached my goal, and I'll be heading to Washington, D.C. bright and early tomorrow morning for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day for a Cure.  I already got choked up when I was reading the event info and they said there's a banner we can sign with our loved ones name on it.  It's still hard for me to believe that my mom's not here but I know she'd be proud that we raised so much money for breast cancer.

It's going to be absolutely amazing to be surrounded by so many people who have been affected by breast cancer but and are trying to make a difference.  Hopefully, the emotions that will be running through me will keep my feet moving because 60 miles is far.  REAL FAR! I haven't really trained (at all) nor has my cousin so this should be interesting!

The only down side is that I have to leave Abby for 4 days.  I've only left her alone over night once before so this is really, really, really difficult.  She'll be with my dad and will probably have an awesome time getting spoiled and playing with other her cousin but I'll be missing and worrying every moment!  It doesn't help that she'll be a couple states away either.  It's funny, I wanted a break for a while.  You know, just some time to go to the bathroom with the door closed.  Now that I'll have a little break, I'm a nervous wreck!

I hope you all have an awesome weekend and I'll catch up with you Monday or Tuesday!

Struggles and Strength

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I was watching Dr. Phil yesterday and he reminded me of a lesson that is easy to forget.  We're not all that different.  Regardless of our struggles, there is always someone else who has been through or felt the same.  The details may be different but the struggle and feelings are the same.

Since watching that episode, I've noticed that it's so true.  Today is no exception.  October is breast cancer awareness month and all morning I've been coming across bloggers who share similar experiences to mine.  Some of these experiences, quite honestly, break my heart but once all of the details are stripped away, every story is one of strength.  When life hands you the unthinkable, you find strength that you never thought you had.

I was 21 years old when I found out my mom had breast cancer.  For 7 long years, breast cancer was the elephant in the room.  Even during remission, the fear was always there but so was strength.  I saw it in my mom, especially when the cancer returned.  She had always said she would never go through chemo again but she found the strength to fight.  I saw it in my siblings, who lived with her, helped her, and tried to continue living their life.  I saw it in myself every time I had to be 'the bad news bear' and sit the four of them down for an update on my mom.

The most important lesson that I'm learning is that I am no different than countless other people who have been through the same thing.  You find the strength to overcome, just as so many people have and will continue to do.  When I walk in the 3Day next week, I'll be surrounded by people the same as me.  People who have been affected by breast cancer and have found the strength to push forward.  Although all of stories will have different details, none of us are all that different.

Um, You Blog? YES, I DO!

Last night I was updating my blog using some of the pointers from Back to School Back to Blogging.  I realized that I didn't have a section on my blog that told my new readers about me, which is one of the first places I look on other people's blogs.  I knew I needed to create one and to start I took a look at my first post to see how I originally introduced myself.  Back then I had no idea people actually dedicated a whole page for that sort of thing.  Back then I had no idea what a blog was or that so many people had one.

As I read that original blog post, I realized how much my reason for blogging has changed.  It started as a way to raise awareness and in hopes of becoming an official blogger for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day  for a Cure but it has become so much more.  I wasn't selected to be the official blogger but I found something that I love to do.  I'm not the type of person who has lots of hobbies.  Most of my hobbies last for only a short time and then I get bored.

Blogging has yet to get boring and I blog about so much more than just about breast cancer and healing after losing my mom.  Honestly, I blog very little about those things lately... well, my mom pops up a lot but usually not in a depressing sort of way.  It's given me an outlet and as a stay at home mom I needed one... desperately!  It's given me a way to connect with others, learn from them, laugh with them, and be inspired by them.

Most importantly, it's given me something to do that is just for me.  People outside of the blogging world often look at me strange when I tell them I blog and there first question, "is about what?"  My answer is always... "about me, about life, about anything I want."

My blog is my baby.  I designed it, I nurture it, and I love watching it grow!

One of the writing prompts over at Mama Kat's this week is to answer the question:  What does blogging mean to you?  What purpose does it serve you and how have you benefited?  Simply put, blogging means 'me time'.  'Me time' makes me happy and less stressed.  A happy and less stressed me is a benefit to EVERYONE!

Please don't think less of me... I have to ask because I am desperate!

Since I already mention the Susan G. Komen 3 Day, I figured I would throw in a shameless request here.  If anyone is interested in donating to this amazing organization, please click the widget on my side bar or click here.  In order to do this walk, I need to raise $2300 and my fundraisers were completely unsuccessful.  I am about $1200 short and if I don't raise enough money my poor cousin will be walking the 60 miles by herself (she's fundraising rock star!).

Chocolate Melts in the Sun...

My sisters and I hosted our very first fundraiser this past Saturday and overall it was a success.  We learned an important lesson though:  Chocolate, and icing, melts in the sun!


We got a late start but we started strong.  Before the table was set up we sold 2 dozen of these cute cupcakes:

Everything looked absolutely adorable and pink!

We started a reject pile of cupcakes and cookies that got messy when I dropped the container on the ride over.  My sister was going to sell them to her poor boyfriend.  Unfortunately, at noon the sun started to melt everything and his pile of treats was getting ridiculously big and sad looking.  We realized we had a problem when someone went to buy a chocolate lollipop and it turned to mush.  

We ended up tossing more than we sold but we did raise $310 for Susan G. Komen!  Lesson learned... no more chocolate and frosting during these hot summer months!

Kitchen Adventures with a Culinary Goddess

In my head, I'm a culinary goddess.  Someone who can whip up a fabulous dinner with the odds and ends left over at the end of the week.  In my head my baking is out of this world and there is nothing that is too complicated.  In reality, my skill set does not quite match my ambition!  It doesn't stop me from trying and I think today was a success!

After about 4 long hours, I now have 43 pink ribbon white chocolate lollipops!  I've never made chocolate lollipops before (which didn't stop me from agreeing to make them for the fundraiser but also for Abby's Christening) and it was a little bit of trial and error at first.  Here are some things that I learned:

• It's much easier to use the double broiler method then microwaving the chocolate.  First, I found it took longer in the microwave for some reason.  Second, using the double broiler allows you to keep the chocolate warm while your working.
• I had bought a little squeeze bottle which I had read was the easiest way to deposit the chocolate into the mold.  I couldn't agree less.  Unless you melt the chocolate in the squeeze, it takes a lot more time.  I found it was much easier, for this mold anyway, to use a baby spoon.
• The first test lollipop had lots of air bubbles.  Tapping the mold helps to release them.  The method that worked best for me was to tap after every scoop of chocolate.  This also helped to distribute the chocolate evenly.
• Since I'm a total perfectionist, I was worried about keeping everything neat so I was using a paper towel to clean up any chocolate outside the mold.  Thankfully, I figured out there was no need to do that!  After putting the chocolate in the molds, I froze them for about 5 - 10 minutes.  When you pop the lollipops out the molds take a lollipop and just run it around the outside to clean it up. The spills should have only left a thin layer of chocolate and they fall right off!  Voila... a perfect lollipop!

I'm hoping that the rest of my kitchen adventures go without a hitch because I have a million and 1 things to do before Saturday!  I'm sure for a culinary goddess like myself, everything will turn out perfect! Wish me luck!

These Shoes Were Made For Walking!

I am super excited today!  I went shopping and bought myself a new pair of shoes!

I know, there not some cute, sexy stilettos or anything equally as fun but these are the shoes that are going to help me train for my Susan G. Komen 3Day.  This walk takes place in DC on October 8th and will cover 60 miles in 3 days.  By the end of the 3 days, each member of my team will have raised $2300 for breast cancer, walked 60 miles, and raised awareness about breast cancer.  Phew, I'm tired just thinking about it!  

My cousin reminded me today that our walk is only 23 weeks away.  So, it's time to train!  I've been walking a little here and a little there but so far the longest is 3 miles.  I have my work cut out for me in both the walking and fundraising department but I am psyched!  Now, I just need to put these pretty new sneaks on and get moving!

Pink Glove Video Update

Pink Glove Video Promotes Breast Cancer Awareness

When I first posted the Pink Glove Dance video I thought it was just a cute video. It is so much more! The company who makes the pink gloves is donating a portion of the sales to fund mammograms for uninsured women. I think that's awesome and wanted to make sure to give them credit. Click above to read a short article about it!

Pink Glove Dance

I was searching for fundraising ideas and thought this was pretty funny... Enjoy!!