The Not So Great Birthday Present

In one week I will be leaving my twenties behind to start a new decade of my life.  I'm not really happy about it.  Actually, it's kind of depressing especially since I spent most most of the year thinking I was 28.  I guess you could call that wishful thinking.

At first, I told Dan that I did not want to celebrate my birthday so not to buy me anything.  Of course that's not what I meant and thankfully he went ahead and got me something anyway.

I, of course, ruined the surprise and got my gift early!  I was so excited to see that he had bought me a Wii Fit!  It was something I wanted since Christmas when his parents bought us the Wii.  I thought for sure this would help get me motivated to work out and help me mix up my workouts a bit.  Not only was it the Wii Fit but it came with the Biggest Loser game too.  I could't wait to set it up and get started and at the time I thought it was the best gift ever.

 Very shortly after Abby went to bed the other night, I realized that I was SO WRONG.  This was not the best birthday present ever.  This was a birthday present that not only made me feel fat but also old.  Not a good combination when your about to BEGRUDGINGLY say good bye to your twenties.

When you first set it up, the Fit runs you through a series of light exercises and weighs you to determine your 'age'.  In my defense, I am video game challenged and I think that is why it gave me the 'age' 43!!  WTF!!  I tried to do it again but it was a different set of tests so I screwed those up too and it came up with the same age.  This is so not what I wanted to see!

Now, let me tell you about the little Wii person.  You start out as normal as a Wii person can look and once it gets your weight I guess it makes adjustments.  My Wii person became a short fatty.  Same thing with the Biggest Loser person, although that person looks more realistic so it's even more depressing when they change it to a fatty.  Let me just say that she does not carry her weight well at all!

So, I thought it was a great gift.  I was wrong.  So wrong.  This gift has made me feel more depressed about my birthday.

So right now my husband is reading over my shoulder and mad that I said I don't like my gift.  I guess I should clarify, for his sake, that I do like it.  The Biggest Loser workouts are fun and I could really see myself using them a lot.  However, I didn't know that it was going to tell me that I was 43 years old and obese!  Happy Birthday, your fat and old... YAY!

I think I'll spend this next year managing my weight, working out more, and living in denial!  Please feel free to wish me a Happy 25th Birthday next week!  Thank you!

Someone Pass Me a Tranquilizer!

As I sit here, on my new couch that I LOVE, I've come to a conclusion:  I am a neurotic mess!  Why?  Because I am actually afraid of my couch.

Well, actually I'm afraid of what may (but probably isn't) be living in my couch.  You see, about a week ago we discovered that we had an unwelcome pet that was living in our home.  He ate our hot dog rolls and investigated our entire kitchen and pantry.  I know there are people who find mice cute but I'm not one of those people.  I especially don't find them cute enough to share my food with.

I was totally freaked.  Especially since I ate an english muffin out of the same drawer the hot dog rolls were in.  YUCK!  I felt sick and was definitely having a panic attack.  Abby on the other hand, found me hysterical!  Every time Dan said another spot he saw evidence of our intruder, I would panic and say "oh my God."  Abby thought this was the funniest thing she ever heard!

So, after a little bit of persuasion (arguing), my husband agreed to hire an exterminator.  I know it sounds crazy, but mice carry disease!  And, I'm here alone a lot of the time so we needed to take care of this ASAP!  This may sound even crazier, but I was actually thinking that the exterminator would hunt down the mouse and remove it.  Hah!  Silly me!  I paid a ridiculous amount of money for him to put baits and sticky things around.  The removal of the mouse was our job!  GREAT!

So, we caught the mouse that night and the husband did what husbands do and I didn't have to see the poor mouse suffer (see, I do have a heart!).  There has been no other evidence of any more mice which is great news!  However, we had to sign a year contract with the exterminator so this would probably qualify the most expensive mouse assassination ever.

Ok, so I bet you're wondering why I'm afraid of my couch.  Well, I mentioned my mouse problem to my best friend a little while ago and she told me a story about a family member who had a mouse family living in their couch but they had no idea.  FANTASTIC!  Now, I'm itchy.  I'm hearing squeaky noises. I swear I see movement out of the corner of my eye.

So, why don't I just go into another room?  Because last night my husband made me watch Friday the 13th and I'm scared shitless that Freddy Kruger is outside my window!  I told you I'm a neurotic mess!

How Do You Say "Thank You"?

Let me start by being totally honest:  I'm not very good at sending out thank you cards (or anything that requires a stamp).  My wedding thank you cards were way late (by about a year).  My thought on thank you cards is that if you say "Thank you" in person or over the phone then you shouldn't have to send a card unless you feel you want to.

That said, I am shocked by the number of gifts I gave over the holiday season that I did not receive a thank you for.  Since we live so far from family, most of these gifts were not given in person so I would have expected a phone call, text, or even a Facebook message letting me know they got the gift and appreciated it.  Like I said, I'm not picky and could care less about how you say thank you as long as you do.  Most gifts I gave weren't extravagant but the point is that I thought of them, right?  I didn't even get a thank you for some of the checks that were given although I know they got them because they were cashed.

Again, I'm not a stickler for etiquette but "Thank You" should be something that comes as second nature.  Maybe I'm just a little sour because I gave a gift to a kid who shall remain nameless and did not receive a thank you.  Instead, this kid asked me what else I got them.  For the record, this is not the first time that this child did not receive a gift graciously.  I'm not judging the child, nor the parent, and hope this is just a stage that this kid is going through but regardless it was very surprising to witness.

So, I now understand why some people got so mad when my Thank You cards were sent out so late.  It's nice to know a gift you give is appreciated.  I don't give a gift to hear a thank you but it is nice to know that the person received the gift when I wasn't able to give it in person.  And, after witnessing what it feels like to be on the receiving end of an ungrateful kid, I know how important it is to teach Abby to appreciate what others do for her.  So, we started that lesson as soon as we got home by writing Thank You cards to everyone who thought of us during the holidays.  She even signed them in her own special way!  My hope is that by starting early, saying thank you will become natural to her.

So, what is everyone else's take on Thank You cards?  How do you let others know their gift was appreciated?  How do you teach your children to show gratitude?

"The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered." Elizabeth Edwards

I'm sorry, this post might come off as a little depressing for the holiday season.  I just found out that Elizabeth Edwards passed away this morning.  I have to say it hit pretty close to home.  Both her and my mom fought breast cancer for 6 long years.

Elizabeth Edwards left behind 3 kids, her oldest is about the same age as me so I feel like I have pretty good idea what she's feeling right now.  She was pretty open about her diagnosis so I'm sure in some ways she tried to prepare them for this but truthfully there is no such thing.  Losing your mom at such a young age is hard.

My sister asked me recently if anything will ever feel like a happy occasion again.  For us, there's always something... someone... missing.  I'm sure with time it will ache less but I'm sure we'll always feel that way.  A few days before my mom passed away, she cried over how much she was going to miss out on.  I tried to reassure her that she'll have the best seat in the house, but I know at the time that it was only words.  Until she said it, I never thought of it.  I'm choked up right now thinking of the big things that she'll miss... engagements, weddings, grandkids.  All I pray is that on each of my sister's wedding days, I say the right thing because Lord knows... it's going to be a little tougher for the girls.

Which is why my heart goes out to her children, especially the younger 2.

I thought I would share a poem my dad found and sent to me.  Reading it reminded me that no matter what happens, there are two ways to look at things.

You can shed tears that she is gone, 

or you can smile because she has lived. 

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back, 

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left. 

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her, 

or you can be full of the love you shared. 

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, 

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. 

You can remember her only that she is gone, 

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on. 

You can cry and close your mind, 

be empty and turn your back. 

Or you can do what she'd want: 

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

~David Harkins~

"What Not to Wear"

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Did you ever see that show, "What not to Wear?"  Or read the back page of Cosmo where they show pictures of fashion don'ts?  Well, there are days that I resemble the people they feature way too much.

Today, I actually went out to the grocery store in stretch pants.  Some may call them yoga pants but to me... STRETCH PANTS!  Pre-motherhood, I would have never been caught dead leaving the house like that.  I can see my picture now with that dreaded black bar over my eyes to protect my identity from my shameful decision.

Oh, I also had no makeup on and crazy hair.  Thankfully, it was clean hair.... just half curly, half straight, clean crazy hair.

Makes me wonder... where have I gone?  Yes, there are so many blessings that come with motherhood.  Yes, I am eternally grateful that my husband is able to pick up enough overtime so that I can stay home.

But, I think I'm in a rut.  With only one car, there are days that I don't leave the house.  Having nowhere to go, no time to be there, and no one to see is making it difficult for me to see the point in dealing with the hassle of getting a shower before 8pm.  With no shower comes no picking out outfits, doing of hair, or putting on makeup.  Leaving me feeling like I wasted a day.

The problem is that this is not a good routine for me.  I need to get ready for my day.  I need to feel like 'me'.  And I need to not be in a room full of mirrors with Stacy and Clinton telling me how many 'fashion no-no's' I'm currently wearing.

So, I've been bribing Abby to work with me on this.  I've been working out daily for the past couple of weeks.  At first, I only worked out when Abby was sleeping but I seemed to loose my motivation by the time she took a nap.  So, now I give her the portable DVD player, throw in a kid movie, and magic happens!  To think, there was a time when I swore that Abby wouldn't watch TV!

She's glued to the screen.  She carries her movie around with her if wants to sit somewhere else.  The most awesome part... she doesn't try to stand behind my butt when I do a squat!  

I even figured out how to get a shower afterwards by taking her in with me!  When I'm done, I let her stay in and play while I get ready in the bathroom.  I have to admit, I miss my privacy but this has so many advantages.  It gives me time to put face cream on.  Put lotion on my legs.  Put mouse in my hair.  It's wonderful!

If I do all of this before nap time then I even get time to catch up the things that I can't do when she's awake.  Fun things, like putting my clothes away in the bedroom or cleaning the bathroom or maybe even unloading the dishwasher!

I think I've finally figured out how to be 'me' and a mom.  That is, until she gets bored with the dvd player and goes through another phase where she doesn't like baths or showers (which happens out of nowhere and lasts for weeks).  Or perhaps she'll decide that she doesn't like taking afternoon naps anymore and our whole day will be turned around.  You ever notice that once you have things figured out, they change?

So, I'm curious, how do other mommas do it?  Anyone have a clever tip they can share?

"What you've never had, you never miss."

Recently, stories about lottery winners have been catching my attention.  The most recent was the person who won $128,000 after purchasing a ticket at an 'adult' store in Michigan.  Michigan law states that lottery winners can not remain anonymous so this person's dirty little secret will be exposed once they claim their ticket!  To date, I don't believe they've come forward.  Since my days are typically filled with episodes of Caillou and The Wiggles, I could be wrong about that since I'm typically behind on the news.

The other story I heard was nothing short of amazing.  A Canadian couple won $11.3 million and gave $11 million away.  They helped out friends and family first before moving onto numerous charities.  The 78 year old wife, Violet, stated, "What you've never had, you never miss."  I love that!

We live in a world where more is better.  People are buying huge houses, designer clothes, bigger and better cars.  Here is a couple who is unfazed by extras.  They are happy with what they have, each other.  It's easy to focus what we don't have but this couple reminded me that most of us have more than what we need.

If by some miracle (since I never buy lottery tickets) I won, I would probably not be quite as generous.  I would definitely help out my family and give to charity but I would keep a little for myself as a cushion.  Being young and a parent, I sometimes worry about unemployment or illness... those things you can't control but leave you without a paycheck.  I would definitely want to make sure I had savings to tap into.

What would you do?  Would you give it all away, keep it, or be somewhere in the middle?

My Oh My, How Things Have Changed

Before Abby, I would get excited to find a new mascara or moisturizer.  I was a cosmetics junky which actually worked out well because I worked for a cosmetic company.  I would try out all sorts of new products from different companies and rave about my favorites to everyone that would listen.  It was my favorite job and if the hours weren't so terrible I would definitely go back.

Now that I'm a mom things are different.  Cosmetics still excite me but I can go days without putting makeup on.  This was unheard of a few years ago.  There are different things on my must have list now.  WAY DIFFERENT.

Just yesterday I was at Target.  Abby has her biweekly snotty nose and I was thrilled to see that they carried my 'snotty nose must have'!  A woman saw me grab them and asked how they worked.  I found myself talking about this product with the same excitement that I used to reserve for the newest anti aging moisturizer.


What is this amazing product that has taken the place of makeup and skin creams?

Boogie Wipes!

They are awesome!  They are moist with saline and get those pesky, crusty boogies off way easier than a normal tissue.  It is a must have in our home since Abby would much rather pick her nose than have it wiped (is she a little lady or what?).

I use the fresh scent but I noticed that they also come in grape.  That seems kind of strange to me but to each his own.  Maybe some people like to have grape scented boogies.


Boogie Wipes are a far cry from the things that I used to need... but they work and they make life easier. Man, do things change when kids show up!

I have not been compensated for this post but if the makers of Boogie Wipes are reading you can feel free to mail me compensation in the form of a lifetime supply.  They would not go unappreciated!

For the record, the plug in Zemanta did not pick up the image of Boogie Wipes while analyzing the texts of this post.  I started using this plug in a few weeks ago during the Back to School, Back to Blogging challenge and so far it hasn't been all that useful.  Even though I used the term "Boogie Wipes" a total of 4 times so far there is not one picture of them in my side bar.

Instead I have picture like this:

Cover via Amazon

Image via Wikipedia

Image via Wikipedia

Image via Wikipedia

Hmm... I have no clue what is on that woman's face or what the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have to do with this post.  Maybe me and Zemanta aren't a good fit.

Boredom + Reality TV + Sister Wives = WTF?!?

I really do try not to judge but I just have to vent a little about this show Sister Wives.  Not sure if anyone of you have seen it (I'm not really sure why I am watching it right now) but basically this guy has 3 (soon to be 4) wives and 13 children.  Truthfully, the only thing running through my mind is WTF!

I wasn't planning on ever watching this show but I'm bored right now.  Bored and too lazy to do the million things that need to be done.  I really don't care what these people choose to do and I'll leave the lasting effects of their decisions on the children to their future therapists.  What really got me going was while one of this guy's wives was in active labor, this guy is asking the doctor about IVF for a different wife who has only had one child.  Are you serious?

Now, I don't know about any of you but when I was in labor I wanted everything to be about me and Abby.  I clearly remember that right after Abby was born I yelled at my mom for trying to call my brother and wake him up for work.  I was mad because it was taking her out of the moment and I wanted the attention on me and my new baby.

I really can't understand how this woman could sit there, in labor, and listen to him getting information to help his first wife have a baby.  What do you all think?  Am I unfair to think this whole thing is ridiculous?  Could these women possibly be so void of jealousy that they can share a husband and a moment as special as the birth of their child?

By the way, I've already changed the channel... hello Teen Mom!

Disappointment: Forgiving and Moving Forward

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

 - Buddha

Have you ever been so disappointed in someone that it makes you wonder if you ever really knew them?  Yesterday I found out that someone close to me did something unthinkable.  It is so awful that I don't even want to think about it or say it out loud.  Unfortunately, I don't know exactly who it was so now I will forever be suspicious.  The only way to move past it is to forgive but it's hard because I gave the person an opportunity to redeem themselves anonymously and they did not.  All I know is that someone I love and would do anything for, is dishonest and selfish.  I can not tell you how much my heart breaks just thinking about this.

I believe that everything that happens in our life gives us the opportunity to become a better, stronger person.  We always have a choice between right and wrong.  We also always have the choice to right a wrong choice.  I feel disappointed that someone closest to me has not taken advantage of difficult times and learned some valuable lessons.  I feel disappointed that they are not the person that I know they are capable of being.  My only hope is that on their journey through life, they become the person I always knew they would be.

"I'm not angry because you lied to me, I'm angry because I can't trust you anymore" 

- Unknown

Struggles and Strength

Image via Wikipedia

I was watching Dr. Phil yesterday and he reminded me of a lesson that is easy to forget.  We're not all that different.  Regardless of our struggles, there is always someone else who has been through or felt the same.  The details may be different but the struggle and feelings are the same.

Since watching that episode, I've noticed that it's so true.  Today is no exception.  October is breast cancer awareness month and all morning I've been coming across bloggers who share similar experiences to mine.  Some of these experiences, quite honestly, break my heart but once all of the details are stripped away, every story is one of strength.  When life hands you the unthinkable, you find strength that you never thought you had.

I was 21 years old when I found out my mom had breast cancer.  For 7 long years, breast cancer was the elephant in the room.  Even during remission, the fear was always there but so was strength.  I saw it in my mom, especially when the cancer returned.  She had always said she would never go through chemo again but she found the strength to fight.  I saw it in my siblings, who lived with her, helped her, and tried to continue living their life.  I saw it in myself every time I had to be 'the bad news bear' and sit the four of them down for an update on my mom.

The most important lesson that I'm learning is that I am no different than countless other people who have been through the same thing.  You find the strength to overcome, just as so many people have and will continue to do.  When I walk in the 3Day next week, I'll be surrounded by people the same as me.  People who have been affected by breast cancer and have found the strength to push forward.  Although all of stories will have different details, none of us are all that different.

A Letter to the Younger Me

Our Back to School Back to Blogging task this week is to contribute to the idea bank, which is shaping up to be an awesome resource for curing writer's block.  The second part of our task is to pick an idea to write about.  After going through the list, I found one that caught my attention.  Write a letter to your younger self... reminds me of that Brad Paisley song, Letter to Me.  Ooh, there is so much I wish I had known so here goes!

Dear Me,

If I know me, which I do, I would never have followed any of this advice but it would've been nice to have in the back of my mind.

There is life after high school and you will not remain friends with any of those people.  Dad is right when he says that your lucky if you have one true friend in your entire life... you've already found her so don't sweat the small stuff.

Quit smoking now because it gets harder as you get older and your future husband hates.  Speaking of your future husband, you don't know him yet so go ahead and dump that loser your dater.  You'll meet him on some crazy trip to upstate New York... one of those where you go knowing you have hardly any money in your pocket and get too drunk to drive home.  He'll not only buy you drinks but make sure you get home safely so don't listen to anyone who tells you that you find a nice guy at a bar.  He'll also tell you he's going to marry you one day.  You won't believe him but he's right.

Quit being so mean.  One day, someone you were mean to that you don't even recognize will look down her nose at you as though she is better than you.  That's ok, but she won't hire your sister for a job and your sister will make sure she reminds you every chance she gets how mean you were.  I say were because you will change and be nicer (or at least keep your comments to yourself, where they belong).

Speaking of siblings, if one them asks you to borrow books on elephants from the library... DON'T DO IT!  They'll get lost and you'll forget about them.  10 years later (yes, it will take 10 years for you to graduate college) you'll finally complete your coursework and after auditing your account these library books will come to haunt you.

Give your mom a break.  She's never going to discipline anyone nor will she ever pay her bills on time.  She WILL love all of you more than you could ever imagine was possible, that is until you have your own daughter.  She will always be the strongest person you have ever met and face cancer with sarcasm and laughter.  Take it easy on her, help her with housework, quit complaining about things you just don't understand, and don't get mad at her when she doesn't stay in the museum or want to walk around DC. Yes, she'll always be frustrating but in a funny sort of way!  Finally, please make her go for a mammogram!

There will come a time when you realize that family means more to you than any friends could.  Your dad will be the first person you call when you need advice, want to cry, or just need to vent.  Your extended family... aunts, uncles, cousins, long lost relatives... will stand by your side through your toughest years.  Treat them well and visit them often.  As mom will tell you one day, "lean on them, they'll help you."  She's right, so appreciate them from now.

There is so much more that I wish to tell you but truthfully, the mistakes you will make are what make you become the person you are meant to be.  As you grow, you'll meet people who inspire you and remind you how good you have it.  Nothing really gets easier but it does get different so keep moving forward.

Love,
Me

P.S.  The winning numbers for the Maryland Mega Millions on Sept 21, 2010 is 03, 20, 43, 47, 57 and the bonus is 26.  

One Billionaire, Two Kids, and $100 Million in Child Support

I watch the news every morning... well, it's usually just background noise while I'm trying to find the spunk I need to start my day.  Every so often a story will catch my attention and the other morning this story definitely made my ears perk up.  Maybe this is a hot button issue for some and I normally try to avoid controversy on my blog but I just HAVE to give my opinion.  I would love to hear what everyone thinks too!

Donald Bren, who apparently is a real estate billionaire and one of the richest men in America, is being sued by his adult children for back child support.  It's not as though he never paid child support.  As a matter of fact, their mother testified that he never withheld support and paid out nearly $3 million between 1988 and 2002.  They are suing because of the amount... apparently they feel, or the law dictates, that they should have been paid $400,000 a month.  That's equivalent to about $100 million!

Now, I'm not going to comment on the relationship Donald Bren has with his children or the mother of his children but $100 million for child support?!?  When you've already received $3 million for child support?!?  Do these people have any idea how absurd those numbers are?  Could you imagine?

I know I come from a family who has had it's share of financial hardships to say the least but it always shocks me to learn that there is such a HUGE difference in income levels across the country.  I don't want to get into a numbers game because statistics can be a tricky thing but I think it's safe to say that if the average American made $3 million in their lifetime than we wouldn't be in the economic crisis we are in.

I understand that these two grown children probably have a way bigger problem with their dad than money.  I also can understand that if he's living a certain lifestyle then he should be taking care of his responsibilities and affording them the same.  But all I can think is, are these people serious?!?  We are talking about a ridiculous amount of money and it just comes off as greedy to me.  To put this into perspective... the $18,000 a month that they received is more than my mother made in a year and she was raising 5 kids!

I also want to make it clear that I am not saying that people should be limited to the amount of money that they earn.  I feel that if you work hard then you should reap the rewards.  However, there are millions of Americans that work hard everyday just to get by.  These are the people who are working every weekend and holiday while the higher earning execs are spending time with their families.  There is a huge inequality here.  The average person does not make what they are worth.

Aside from that, these kids didn't earn this money.  They were born and they were taken care of.  They did not go with out.  So, maybe their dad was an a**hole.  Maybe they were entitled legally or morally to more money.  But it's not like they were living in poverty while their dad was living the good life.  They had food, shelter, and apparently he even paid for their education.  They need to move on and live their life in a way that ensures their children will have better then they did.

My hope is that these two people understand that wealth has nothing to do with money or material things and that if they do win their lawsuit they decide to donate that money to children who really need it.

Ok... I'm going to step off my soapbox now.  What are your thoughts?

Where's the Sunshine and Rainbows?

"The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions." 

 ~Ellen Glasgow~

I try to keep my blog upbeat and happy and, honestly, I haven't really felt that way lately.  So, I've been coming up dry whenever I think about writing a new post.  Finally, I have decided that I'm just going to write how I feel because this blog is meant to be a true representation of me and a way for me to express myself.  I wouldn't be being honest to myself or you if I always pretended that life was full of sunshine and rainbows.


Lately, I've been finding myself wearing my comfies for too much of the day, hardly ever putting on any make up, and being super tired.  So tired that yesterday I actually put Abby down for a  morning nap and she didn't take one but I did.  She wasn't crying but just playing and talking in her crib... but still, I felt like such a bad Mommy!!!  


I also find myself putting off all chores and responsibilities that I deem unnecessary... washing floors, making certain phone calls.  The problem?  These things are actually necessary!


So, why?  I have lots of reasons... but mainly it has to do with life.  There are times that life just gets the best of you and problems seem bigger and badder than they actually are.  So, as much as I wanted to sleep yesterday afternoon, I decided to work out right before Abby's nap.  I was too sweaty and gross to hop back into bed when she did so I HAD to shower.  This morning I did the same.


Guess what?  I feel better!  Not so tired, more energized and way less like a waste of space!  Amazing!  Who would have thunk? I can see glimpses of the rainbows and sunshine again! 


What do you do when you're in a bit of a rut?  What does it take for you to be 'you' again?

Being Who You Want to Be

Lately I feel like I'm a little bitter, not as positive and happy as I want to be.  I strive to be understanding and forgiving but there are times that this is difficult.  Sometimes, I realize that I have been giving way more than other people and I'm left with a feeling of being used.  The other night I was telling my Hubbins that sometimes I feel like I have a split personality.  On one hand I'm nice and understanding but on the other I'm blunt and tactless.

So, last night I was floating around on the internet and I came across this story that made me feel less crazy.

An Old Cherokee Teaches His Grandson About Life.

 "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. 

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.  This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather which wolf would win.

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

I think we all struggle at times with being true with who we want to be.  It's so easy to fall into a negative cycle of thinking and behaving.  Positivity sometimes takes a little extra work but it leaves me feeling happier and more at peace.

What do you think?  Do you sometimes have to work hard at being who you want to be?

It's the Little Things...

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things."

Robert Brault

When Abby was first born she loved being cuddled and held.  She would sleep on my chest every night. When she started crawling and walking, she became the least cuddly baby I knew.  She has this independent streak in her.  Even at a year old, I can see that she knows what she wants and nothing else will do.  She doesn't like to walk and hold hands or be held for any longer than 30 seconds.  She wants to explore and be free.

I think I finally have my cuddly baby back!  She's starting to give not just hugs but real, honest to goodness kisses!  At first she would just hug me but then she started hugging random kids (which does lead to some awkward moments!).  As long as you get down on her level she'll give just about anyone a hug!  Case in point, here she is hugging a statue outside of church.  You don't even have to be real to get some love from my cuddly kid!  So cute!  As if the hugs weren't cute enough, the kisses came soon after!

By far the best milestone!  Nothing is better than hugs and smooches to help you through the day!

I am Thankful, Grateful and Everything in Between

Thank you all for the comments these past few days.  Your kind words mean so much!  I'm not sure about anyone else, but I am pretty quiet about my blog when it comes to family.  The only person I know of that reads it all the time is one of my sisters even though one of my brother's follows me too.  I think it's a fear of being judged, misunderstood or not being good enough.  My last post was very personal and through whatever powers that be not only did my Dad find his way there but so did my other brother.  Their concern and support meant so much to me and, although I felt quite exposed, I am grateful that they read it.  It's hard for me to say how I feel and this blog is truly becoming an outlet for me to express what it hurts to say out loud.

As much as I miss my Mom, I was recently reminded that I am not alone.  So many people go through similar situations, it's a sad part of life.  I was also reminded that no matter how bad life seems, someone always has it worse.  I found out yesterday that a young man, Frankie, who I was very close with as a child has brain cancer and the prognosis is not so good.  He's only 18.  I am shocked and it puts into perspective how short life is.  Frankie's life was only just beginning when out of nowhere he and his family got this devastating news.  I can only imagine the devastation his mom feels.  If you'd like to know a little more about Frankie's story please click here.

I am so grateful that my Mom lived a full life.  Complete with kids, a granddaughter, and countless family members who loved her.  I think it's so important during times like this to focus on the many blessings and be grateful for what you have.  I've been thinking about this since yesterday and then I read a post over at TV's Take about being grateful and thought about everything some more. Then I was catching up with Diane at The Mom Stuff Community and she posted a perfect poem that sums up being grateful perfectly so I thought I would share it.  Thank you both for reminding me to focus on the positive!

I am thankful.

For the husband who is on the sofa being a couch potato, because he is home with me and not out at the bars.

For the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes because it means she is at home, not on the streets.

For the taxes I pay because it means I am employed.

For the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.

For my shadow that watches me work because it means that I am out in the sunshine.

For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.

For all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech.

For the parking spot I find at the far end of parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and I have been blessed with transportation.

For my huge heating or cooling bill because it means I am comfortable.

For the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means I am hear.

For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.

For the weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been capable of working hard.

For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means I am alive.

And finally, for too many emails because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.

To Serve and Protect

There are so many dangerous jobs in this world.  Accidents happen and result in tragedy.  Most recently, the oil rig workers in the Gulf oil spill.  Most of us go to work each day and never imagine that we may not be coming home.

There are some people whose job requires them to be in the thick of the most dangerous situations.  They have volunteered to put their own life on the line to protect us.  I'm talking about our service men and women, firefighters, and police officers.  These men and women are called upon to respond to situations that everyone else is trying to flee from.

My husband was in the military when we met and spent the first year of our relationship in Iraq.  When my husband came home and his military life was behind him he went on to fulfill his lifelong goal:  become a police officer.  I've been asked a lot over the years how I handle always being worried and my answer is always the same... I try to ignore it.  I tried to keep myself never fully aware of what was going on when he was in Iraq and do the same now.  I trust my husband and know that in intense situations he remains level headed.  I trust that he will come home and don't want to fill my days with needless worry.

Sometimes, something will happen that reminds me of the reality of his job.  Last night, a 24 year old state trooper was shot and killed in the county my husband works in.  I woke up last night at 2:30 in the morning to find that my husband wasn't home.  My first reaction was fear and then I checked my cell phone and saw the text he sent:  an officer was shot.  My second reaction was a mixture of sorrow and relief.  My husband was ok but someone else was not.

I can't put into words how sorry I feel for this officer's family.  I can't put into words how sad I am that we live in a world where someone can take the life of another over something as petty as a tab at a restaurant.  I have struggled since I was 5 years old to understand how it is possible for someone to take another's life and still look in the mirror the next day.  

Today, I ask you to remember all of our emergency responders... EMT's, firefighters, military and police officers.  Remember all of the fallen and keep their families in your heart.

Writer's Workshop: What Would It Take?

I chose to write on Prompt #3 from Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop:  What would it take? Write an imaginary scene where someone you are still angry with finally deserves to be forgiven.  I'm glad to finally get this off my chest and hope that you'll be honest.  Tell me if you think I'm being petty or if I'm justified in how I feel.  I won't get offended, sometimes I need an outside point of view to make sense of things.


I had this friend, we'll call her Mary, since Junior year of high school.  We had both just moved and were new at the school.  I was moving from New Jersey and she was moving from upstate New York.  Moving from a town that is 15 minutes from NYC to a town that is surrounded by tree farms with only 3 (yes, 3!) roads that lead in or out of town located in the mountains of Pennsylvania was rough on me.  It was a small town and having someone who understood was such a relief.  


We stayed friends, although sometimes loosing touch, for about 13 years.  She had a lot of trouble with her family and my Mom tried to do whatever she could to make her feel welcome.  She lived with her mom, step dad and 2 much younger brothers and always felt like she wasn't really part of the family.  One year right before Christmas, Mary was upset because she doesn't usually get anything and she's always upset on the holidays.  So, we bought her some gifts and made everyone wait until she got there to open up presents.  The funny part?  Not one person in my family minded because she was like family.


Through the years we both moved.  First, she moved to Virginia and then I moved to Maryland.  When she was pregnant with her son and I found out her mom wasn't throwing her a shower, I planned one from out of state.  I went down the day before, paid for everything, and decorated.  Her mom never even responded.


Why am I mad at this great friend?  Because I finally realized that the relationship was never a two way street.  I guess I always knew that on some level but when my Mom passed away that was the last straw.  My Mom passed away while visiting me in Maryland.  Around 3 am the morning my Mom passed away, I called Mary.  She didn't answer and I really didn't expect her too but I was hoping she would.  The next day she called me from work and all I could do was cry.  When I finally got the words out, all she could say was "Don't cry.  Can I call you later?"


I tried to chalk it up to her being at work and maybe not wanting to get upset.  But, she never called that day.  I think she may have called the next day but I can't be sure.  I did receive a text though asking me to call her but by then we were in the mist of planning the funeral and trying to figure out how in the world to piece everything together.  I just couldn't call.  Abby was 3 months old and I had 4 brothers and sisters looking to me for answers I didn't have.


The day of the funeral, Mary wasn't there.  I know it's a far ride but for all my Mom did for her and for all I did for her, she should've been there.  My Mom lived in the same small town as her mom.  A town where my uncle is the Mayor.  It wasn't hard to know when the services were being held.  I would've have been there for her.


We only spoke once since my Mom's funeral.  Mary made a comment that she wanted to be there but didn't know when anything was.  I tried to explain that it was tough to even think straight and to be honest, I think I mentioned that it was in the paper or something along those lines.  


So, on to the point of Mama Kat's prompt:  What would it take for her to be forgiven?  An apology.  I'm not sure we'll ever be as close as we once were but I wonder how she's doing from time to time.  So, in my imaginary world, Mary would admit she was wrong and tell me she was sorry.  It's as simple as that.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

I am constantly wondering what Abby is thinking.  Lately, she loves when people copy her.  She makes silly noises and laughs when you mimic them.  When we went to visit my Dad, she would walk up the street and keep looking back to see who is following her and then laugh.  This is her new thing, Elephant Ears:

She'll do it throughout each meal and gets a huge kick out of everyone copying her.  She even wiggles her fingers.

It makes me wonder, what is she thinking?  Well, when she looks around a table and sees a bunch of adults doing Elephant Ears I'm sure she's thinking, "Look at these fools, I can get them to do whatever I want!"

Yup kiddo, you're cute and we will do anything to make you smile!  I just wish I knew... are you laughing at me or with me?!?

Perception is Reality

"One person's craziness is another person's reality."  

~Tim Burton~

The past few days have really forced me to think about how different people's perceptions can be.  One person's truth is not necessarily another's.  This can sometimes make arguments challenging because 2 people can perceive the same situation completely different.  (Sorry if this feels a little out of context but I feel like I need to work it through... please let me know if I make any sense!) 


Why does this happen?  No two people grow up in the same environment and by nature everyone is different.  So, as we grow we are exposed to different things and we start to make our own set of rules for 'normal'.  Everyone will have their own set of rules.


Another explanation, is that sometimes we alter reality to paint ourselves in a better light.  Maybe we feel guilty about how we handled the situation or feel we didn't do as much as we should have.  Maybe we simply forgot some key details.  Regardless of the reason, reality can be different from one person to another.  


I think that it's important to always remember that every person can have a different perception.  Although we may remember things one way, that way may not be accurate. Although this can lead to problems, accuracy is not all that important.  Listening and understanding is.  Any disagreement or argument should not consist of people attacking one's perceptions.  We should first actively listen.  Once we have listened, it is important to understand the core of the problem and ignore the surrounding fluff that is sometimes construed by the other person's altered reality.  Once we've done that, we should take a look at ourselves and be honest about our role in the situation.  Only then can we be constructive and try to merge the two realities into one. 


My goal is to follow this advice.  I think it is important to take inventory of yourself before sizing up someone else.  I think that at the core, most people's actions, wants and needs are the same.  Unfortunately, emotions usually get in the way of us taking the time to get to the core of a situation.  Sometimes it helps to break a situation down to the most basic level and work our way up.