When You Just Don't Know

About a month ago we took a 10 day trip to Massachusetts to visit some family.  Up until then, Lilly had been sleeping through the night.  Maybe one feeding but she was quick to put back to sleep.  She was also sleeping in our room, nice and cozy in the napper that attaches to the pack and play.

For some reason, during that trip she decided that sleeping through the night was not for her.  It was a struggle to get her to fall asleep (I'm talking sometimes over an hour) and then she would be up 3-4 times during the night.  I had a couple of theories:  new place, too cold, laying flat instead of slightly elevated.  I thought that she would definitely get back to normal once we got home.

I also had the crazy idea that once we got home, we would put her directly into her own bed.  She had been sleeping flat for all this time so why not go with it?

Well, here we are a month later and I have her back in our room and in her napper.  I don't know what it is but my guess is that she is uncomfortable on her back.  Maybe reflux?  I brought it up to the doctor and he seemed unconcerned because she's growing fine.  So, I'm trying different things here and there to try to figure out how to make this work for all of us.  I am also going to ask again if we're still going through this next month.

But, can I just get a little insecurity off my chest?  When she is screaming and I try to comfort her and nothing is working, I become frustrated.  Then I start to feel a little bit like a failure.

Ok, a lot like a failure.

I honestly just can not figure her out like I was able to with Abby.  I honestly don't know what is making her so cranky sometimes.  I honestly don't know how to get her to back to sleep in the middle and will (far too often) resort to giving her a bottle that she falls asleep drinking.  Then I start to fear that I'm not teaching her how to self soothe and she'll be messed up for life.

I am tired and frustrated.

I try to remember that she is getting what she needs:  love, food, clean diapers, kisses, cuddles.  I try to remember that she is a happy girl when she's not screaming.  I mean the girl doesn't just smile, she cheeses!  I try to remember that her face lights up as soon as I walk into a room.  I try to remember that JUST MY VOICE will wake her up from her nap.

She loves me, so I must be doing something right.  It's just hard to remember those things when we are in the midst of a screaming episode.  When all the comfort and love in the world can't calm her down.

I want to take away whatever is that is making her so agitated but I know that these types of things tend to just work themselves out and I will probably never know.  It's just so hard to hear your baby cry and not know what to do.  A mom is supposed to know... and sometimes I just don't.